Happy Friday! It’s just a quick post today because I’m pleased to say that I’ve actually begun the writing phase of the book and now I find I can’t stop. I should have just sat down and started typing ages ago but I’ve been churning in a state of not feeling qualified to do it. However by beginning with a couple of the chapters that come to me easily, I’m now getting somewhere. There is one area where I need a bit more of your help though. In a post a couple of weeks ago I opened up the subject of sex and intimacy in midlife because I need to include it as a chapter. It isn’t something we’ve discussed on here before and I don’t imagine it will become a big part of the future on Midlifechic – this isn’t Cosmo. But in one way or another intimacy is a factor in everyone’s life so I need to cover it and I want it to be as representative as possible so I’m asking for more of your helpful thoughts.
When I broached the topic a fortnight ago, I knew it wasn’t going to be easy to suddenly bring it in to the conversation that we’ve been having together for over ten years so I wrote it from my own perspective. I was pleasantly surprised by people’s willingness to talk – since then I’ve received quite a few different views in emails from people who have kindly shared their thoughts as well as replies in the comments. I’ve also been analysing the ‘regrets’ responses that lots of you wrote so thoughtfully and various references to sexual relationships came up there.
It’s made me realise that I need to pull together a much broader reflection of midlife sex. I have a handful of friends who are happy to talk about it openly but their experience is broadly similar to my own. The one who has entertained us for years with the new ways that she concocts to avoid having sex with her partner felt she couldn’t expand on it because of course I see them both socially so understandably, it felt too much.
I chatted to a researcher about finding more resources and they said there is very little real-time information available. Apparently GenX in particular are not good at talking about their sex lives. So much liberation happened in the ’70s that the Baby Boomers are more open about it but one theory is that the development of early GenXers who were beginning their sexual experience in the 80s was hugely locked down by the AIDS crisis.
So I’m turning to you and once again this is completely anonymous – I won’t have a clue who you are and I will omit any kind of revealing detail that you share with me. I appreciate that it’s very personal and probably not an easy thing to start typing into an online form so I’m going to share some of the remits that people have fed back to me so far, just to give you a sense of the diversity of experience in our community here. If you bear in mind that there are about 48,000 people who read this blog and when we meet we always have lots in common, you realise just how much is unspoken. Responses have included the following:
- We don’t have sex any more and that’s fine for both of us, we have our own way of expressing our love
- One of us wants sex but the other doesn’t so they find it elsewhere discretely
- I’ve never been fulfilled by sex with my husband, I’d love to fix it but don’t know how to tell him after all of these years
- I have a secret younger lover who fulfils my fantasies
- I can’t have sex because it hurts too much – he’s losing patience
- Illness and/or disability has seriously impacted our sex life
- I’ve always found my husband physically irresistible and still do
- I regret not having more sex when I was younger (very frequent in the regrets)
- I wonder if I’m bi-sexual, I think I’d love to have sex with a woman but I’ll never know (also frequent in the regrets)
- I wish I had somebody – I really miss intimacy
- We opened up our marriage and our sex life is on fire
- I’m going through a divorce and the idea of sex with someone new both excites and terrifies me
- I was abused/raped – I’ve never had/enjoyed sex since then
- My sexual confidence was destroyed in a past relationship, I haven’t been able to enjoy it since (another frequent regret)
- I can’t enjoy sex because I don’t feel sexy in myself any more (because of weight gain or physical ageing factors)
- I have zero libido since menopause
- My religious upbringing has always made it difficult for me to see sex as something to enjoy
Hopefully this helps you to understand why I need to get a clearer picture of the sexual midlife landscape. Even if you have a straightforward sex life it will be helpful to know that – so that I can map it quantitatively and balance what I write. I’ll then assess all of the responses qualitatively and hopefully be able to draw some conclusions and include the most common midlife topics.
So please talk to me anonymously if you feel you can. I understand that the piece I wrote was upsetting for some of you, that it felt as if I was saying everyone should be living the ‘Disney version’ as somebody put it. I never want to make you feel anything negative when you read this blog – midlife is enough of a minefield without me throwing any extra tripwires in. If you can help me to achieve a bigger picture of what’s going on between the midlife sheets then I’ll be able to be more representative in the book. And it doesn’t have to be sex – you may build your intimacy by doing an activity you love together. I need to understand what binds midlife couples. This will be the last thing I ask of you for a while – and please know how grateful I am for any input you can give.
Here’s a question to get you started but please write about anything you want. And remember that midlife is an attitude not an age – I’d particularly love to hear from the three 90 year-olds that Google tells me are reading my blog!
Asking for more of your helpful thoughts
Does anyone live on the Norfolk coast?
It’s a day of unusual requests – I’m wondering if any of you live on the Norfolk coast. You see I have a friend in the village, Alysia…
… since 1977 she’s run the village dance school and during the summer holidays she spends her time exploring different parts of the country on her bike. She usually has a contact nearby just in case anything goes horribly wrong but this time she’s going to Norfolk and she doesn’t. She’s arriving in King’s Lynn by train on Monday and then slowly cycling around the coast to Great Yarmouth. I’m sure she’ll be fine, she’s never needed to ask for help but she’s 69 and she’s on her own.
It’s a big ask but I just wondered if any of you might feel able to be an emergency contact close by. If you did get to meet her you’d have the time of your life, she’s an utterly inspiring midlife woman. She had us going through some disco moves in the village hall on Wednesday night while she corrected our form – she even gave us homework! Anyway if you can help, please email me and I’ll give her your details. Fingers crossed.
That’s everything for today, I’ll be back next week. Enjoy the heatwave while it lasts!
Disclosure: ‘Asking for more of your helpful thoughts this week’ is not a sponsored post
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