It’s a quick post today because I’m heading off for a little break as I mentioned last week. The weather’s been… well you know… so I don’t have any interesting outfits to show you. Instead I thought I’d answer some of the questions I’ve been asked recently by readers, friends or in interviews I’ve done. They’re a bit random, they cover style, life, books and beauty but hopefully there’s something interesting in there for everyone.
Questions I’ve been asked recently
I just don’t know where to start with an outfit – do you have a formula?
You won’t be surprised to know that I do – I always start with shoes. I think by the time you hit your mid-50s comfortable feet mean everything. It’s partly to do with the thinning of the fat pads on the base of the foot after menopause and partly just lessons learned the hard way. So, I assess how much time will be spent standing or walking and take it from there.
The style of my shoe then affects everything else. If I’m wearing something a bit more bulky like a trainer or a heavy boot I’ll make sure that there’s volume somewhere in the outfit to balance it. Conversely if I’m wearing anything with a heel, I’ll make sure there’s a fitted element. Style gurus suggest big shoe/big top, neat shoe/neat top but I find as long as there’s an echo of the shoe’s profile somewhere, the outfit works.
I put a lot of time into finding comfortable sandals and boots with a low heel. The reason for this is that the ratio between my body and leg lengths is slightly off so a sub two inch heel rectifies it visually, making clothes hang better. I’m hyper aware that ankles and feet are one of the key points of body architecture so personally I struggle with anything ‘fugly,’ however cool it may be. You can be comfortable and still not lose the shape of the foot. If you’re looking for a leg lengthening, ankle slimming effect, avoid sandals with straps that go across the foot and look for anything that creates a V towards the toes instead.
I make a point of having a strong trainer collection. Trainers can add an instantly youthful element to any outfit but it’s worth keeping an eye on street style because there’s always a shorthand accompanying the pair you choose in terms of fashionability. Now that pure white trainers are being banished into fashion’s hinterland I use trainers with a flash of colour to make a statement in otherwise simple outfits. They’re worth the investment, especially on occasions like this weekend when I’ll have the opportunity to dance for twelve hours straight – I just hope the stamina’s there with me too!
Sorry – that was a long answer to a short question… if in doubt just start with the shoes!
I have so many nail polishes that I never use – is there an easy rule?
It depends on how you wear colour. I have a simple formula – because I wear a lot of bright colours in summer I keep my nails a pearly white so that they never clash with my outfit. I paint my nails myself and this polish is great because it lasts me for a solid fortnight when worn with the accompanying base and top coat.
In colder weather my wardrobe tends to be based around navy so I use my nail varnish to add a pop of colour. You can’t beat a fabulous classic red in my view but pale pink and red wine colours look good too. This red polish has a strengthening treatment in it so it restores the nail underneath while it’s on.
What is it that makes midlife women invisible, I’m trying to fight it but I don’t know where it starts?
I think there are two aspects to this. The first is a visual one – the hard facts are that we quite literally start to fade. The pigment in our eyes, skin and hair (including eyebrows) isn’t as strong as it used to be. Women who have naturally high contrast fair better than those who don’t here and pull off grey or white hair really well. Those of us with mid to low contrast and warm skintones have a raw deal and this is where choices come in. You can accept it with grace – I have friends who say they love the invisibility that menopause has brought them, they enjoy a low key approach to style. Alternatively you can go down the route of high maintenance because this is the only way I know of combatting the fading. It tends to involve highlighting your hair, adding tanning drops to your moisturiser, tinting your eyebrows and wearing make-up. Keeping on top of which colours boost your changing pigment and wearing them next to your face helps too – never underestimate the impact and visual messaging of strong colours. Then comes your choice of outfit and the signal it transmits – but we talk enough about that on this blog.
The other important factor is attitude. Often that comes when you’ve addressed the visual and feel more confident as a result but not always. Any midlife woman who walks down the street with her shoulders back and a smile on her face remains visible. Make eye contact with people, not everyone will connect but most people are pleasantly surprised to have a moment of acknowledgement. My motto is “be the person who looked and engaged rather than the one who turned away.”
You haven’t covered beauty for a while – have you made any new discoveries?
Actually yes – I have a shampoo and conditioner to tell you about. They’ve changed everything for me and they’re not expensive – you can buy them when you’re doing your food shop. And that’s the amazing thing – I trial so many very expensive hair products that do nothing and then this well priced line comes along and does everything I want.
It’s the reformulated argan oil range from OGX and the line to look out for is the renewing +. I saw an immediate difference – it leaves my hair bouncy, shiny and conditioned without being weighed down. There are no sulphates, parabens, phtalates, plastics or dyes included and there are three sizes of bottle including a travel size that’s perfect for a fortnight’s holiday. I’ve found it gives not just one day of great hair but two which no other range has done for me and I’m sick of having to blow dry it every single day. I have found that I need to give it a break and use another shampoo for a wash every couple of weeks (standard Head & Shoulders is my favourite for clarifying) but I think hair products always tends to stop working if you don’t do that.
I’m not being paid to say this, I was sent two tiny travel bottles to review and have since bought full sizes for both home and Newcastle replacing the very expensive Living Proof products that I was using. If you like a hair care bundle there’s a great offer on here or you can buy the bottles on offer here – don’t forget to look for renewing+.
The other test product that I’ve loved is the new foundation stick from Charlotte Tilbury. It’s called unreal sheer skin glow and it really is unreal. It’s very sheer so it’s hardly visible in terms of coverage but it really does add light to your face. I’m using it away from my T-Zone to give a sheen to my cheeks and it looks as though I have a permanent ring light throwing a flattering healthy glow onto my face. You simply daub it on and rub it in with your fingers so it’s very portable. It’s moisturising with a balm-like effect so it probably won’t be the best choice for you if you have oily skin – or if you prefer a matte finish – or if you like medium to heavy coverage… but if you like a soft, sheer glow, it’s fantastic.
You’re always reading – what are your best books for the summer?
I’ve read some really good books recently but I’ll pick my top three.
All Fours by Miranda July
It’s the novel that everybody’s talking about. I was so desperate to have someone to discuss it with that I bought the hardback for my friend Nicky as soon as I’d finished it. It’s already been named a 2024 book of the year pick by Radio 4 Open Book, The Observer, GQ, Grazia and ID. So what’s it about? It’s very much a midlife novel – some would say midlife crisis but I’d say midlife awakening. It’s about a woman who leaves her home and family behind when she decides to drive to New York for a week of work and meeting up with old friends but then changes her plans along the way. It’s a bit weird – you need to get past the first quarter of it before you find yourself submitting to the storyline but then it’s funny, sensual, relatable, gritty and in a way, feasible. It took me out of my midlife and into another version of it – and I think it’s always refreshing to live somebody else’s take on what this stage of life can be.
All Fours – Kindle and Hardback (support independent booksellers here)
Sandwich by Catherine Newman
Another unputdownable midlife book. The opening chapters depicted the mixed feelings of midlife so exquisitely that I ended up reading them aloud to Mal. The micro-moments of midlife and empty nesting are delineated so acutely that you feel less cosmically alone. As it goes on and the plot is introduced it’s a little less resonant – in a way I wished she’d done without a storyline and just kept on writing about what it’s like to be a midlife woman in a midlife mind and body – but even so, don’t miss it.
Sandwich (support independent booksellers here)
Evenings and Weekends by Oisin McKenna
A great telling of contemporary London life that will resonate with anyone who’s lived there. It was hard to choose between this and the other London life Sunday Times bestseller: Caledonian Road by Andrew O’Hagan. I loved that too and highly recommend it but I’ve gone for this one because the prose is so beautiful in places, it’s almost poetic without being heavy. I love the way that the words occasionally pick rhythm and pace, sweeping you through the city like the traffic and The Thames. There’s less of a midlife element in this one although it is there in the sense of ordinary people looking back at their lives and the choices they’ve made. Most importantly though it’s a zeitgeist book, pinning down how it feels to be forging a life and living in London right now.
Evenings & Weekends (support independent booksellers here)
Are any of the sales worth visiting or should I save my money for next season?
Oh this is a difficult one. The retail industry is in so much trouble and desperately needs people to buy the unsold stock that is piling up on a mountainous scale so I feel as if I should tell you to ‘buy, buy, buy’ – but I won’t. I’ve been buying men’s t-shirts from Reiss (for Mal by the way, not me) – the best quality and cut now that Cos has started designing for a superskinny frame. And the Me+Em sale has finally gone live this week. My goodness they’ve had a lot of press coverage since the election haven’t they?
I’m delighted to tell you that they got in touch this week to say they’ve been reading through the comments you made on my post about them and that they’ve passed them around the business. Never forget that brands value what we say here – they really do get that this is the thinking woman’s style blog. So, here’s a quick look at the best buys in their sale – as always the dresses and jackets are beautifully cut investment pieces.
Remember that the pieces Me+Em make all slot together like Lego, enabling you to buy pieces slowly knowing that you’re building a collection. I’ve picked this jacket out because it has a chic boucle effect which means it will be easier to pair with other shades of blue than a flat texture would. It also has stretch which is so important for a jacket that you might keep on all day long.
This green dress has 50% off and it’s made from the same fabric as the jumpsuit that I showed last week so once again it gives your look the extra dimension that texture brings. It has a zip neckline which means that regardless of bust size, you can open it to the point that suits you best.
And if you scroll right to the bottom of the sale pages there are some incredible winter bargains. This metallic ruched top has a neckline that can be styled two ways. It would look great paired with jeans or with something more formal and it has 60% off.
This fabulous green cotton blend velvet winter dress is easy to wear because it’s machine washable. It’s the sort of thing that you’ll wear right through December in particular because it’s comfortable and stretchy. The adjustable zip front means you can wear the neckline open or closed like this. It’s an absolute bargain at 70% off – Me+Em style at M&S prices.
If you’re a fan of cargo trousers there are loads with good discounts – it always strikes me as odd that Me+Em do cargoes because they’re so focused on clean lines and the number of styles in the sale fits with that theory. However their trousers fit beautifully – Claire Hornby is said to be especially obsessed with trouser cuts and there are lots to look through but if I had to pick one pair out it would be these washable navy textured crops. Actually they work perfectly with the jacket above but also on their own. They’re the sort of thing that’s comfortable whether you’re working from home, flying away on a long journey or just going out for a pub lunch. They have stretch and yet the stitched front seam means they won’t lose their shape.
And I’ll finish with their knitwear because it’s sublime. This pure cashmere tank top has 50% off and the lovely scoop neck works with whatever kind of collar you layer underneath it. I’d say it was perfect for winter but actually I can see myself wearing it with a t-shirt and jeans now!
So I’ll leave you to browse the sale while there are still some bargains left. With the amount of press coverage they’re getting I can imagine things are going to fly out. You can find it all here.
My youngest is going to uni in September and I don’t know where my relationship with my husband stands. How will I know and how did you and Mal reconnect?
This is a huge question that comes in regularly in various forms, especially at this time of year. It’s one that deserves a post of its own so I just wanted to say that it’s coming in a couple of weeks. What I will say for now is book something for about three weeks after they go when the nerves are over and you know they’re settling in. Make it a holiday if you can or a weekend away – you need to spend a bit of purposeful time together and give the pilot light of your relationship a boost. This way you can work out how you feel about each other as individuals now that the heavy lifting of family life has lightened a bit.
From the things you tell me in the survey responses and other research information that I’m privy to there seem to be three primary routes from here on (although there are many others of course). Some people settle into companionship, they stay together as friends rather than lovers and live their lives alongside each other. Sometimes this is by choice or it’s triggered by illness or disability. As long as both partners are content with this approach then all goes well, the difficulty is when one person wants to reconnect the more sparky, sexual side of the relationship and the other doesn’t. That again is a post in itself for another day and perhaps another forum.
Others who know they’re unhappy see this is a good juncture for action and if you’re miserable and know for sure that you don’t want to stay in your marriage then you have to get over the ‘shoulds’. If that’s you then a whole new future is about to open up for you and it can be whatever you want it to be. It’s very, very hard leaving a marriage, I know because I’ve done it – but you will recover and you will be happy at the other side.
For the last group, empty nesting is the beginning of a whole new romance with the person they’ve been with for twenty plus years and I feel lucky that I’ve fallen into this one. And I really do think that there’s a lot of luck involved in whether you married the ‘right’ person for you all those years ago, one who has aged with you and whose company you still enjoy. If you feel that there’s still something good between you and you both approach this new phase with open hearts, minds and applied energy it can be absolutely fantastic. There’s something very special about overlaying a whole load of new carefree memories over the stolid foundation of time served at the coalface of family life. You do need to blow the dust off first and that does take a bit of application – but it’s worth it. So hold the faith – you may find that some of your very best times are waiting just around the corner. I’ll give you a few tips from my three-year vantage point soon.
That’s it for today although I’ll just add that this week I’ve been analysing the responses you gave me to my question about midlife bumps in the road in depth. My goodness you’re amazing, thank you for sharing so many different thoughts, experiences and feelings with me so openly and with very helpful detail. It’s really helping to inform some of my projects and my book which will, in the long term, help others. Right I’m off – have a lovely weekend, may the sun shine upon you… and upon me on Saturday – PLEASE!
Disclosure: ‘Questions I’ve been asked recently’ is not a sponsored post
Recent posts you may have missed
The week my husband dressed me
Boden clearance – what to buy and why
Shop the John Lewis sale with me
Summer at M&S from casual to dressed-up
Midlife travel solo – what it taught me
How to analyse the brands and shapes that suit you
Me+Em review – retailer spotlight
Summer in the UK – what to wear & midlife lately
What to wear to a festival over 50
Sailing around Thailand – women only
White Stuff update and can you help?
Heading towards summer – Boden try-on
Cornucopia – beauty, accessories and travel tips
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