When your family moves on and expands – welcoming partners into the mix

Pre-script

Since I wrote this we’ve travelled to St Lucia and on the flight over we heard the sad news that the Queen had died. It felt right not to publish this the following day but a few people have been in touch saying that they’d be grateful for a break in the sad news that surrounds them. So I hope I won’t upset any of you by sending this live now. It’s difficult being away and not feeling part of such a big time in our country’s history. And of course while I’m here I’m contracted to post about what we’re doing on Instagram so I want to say a particularly big thank you to everyone who is being understanding and supportive of that. I’m trying to be as sensitive as I can while fulfilling my obligations and as somebody who is already nervous of Instagram, I’m finding it particularly difficult. Of course if I’d known that this would happen we’d never have agreed to travel this week but nobody could have foreseen it.

So thank you again.

When your family moves on and expands – welcoming partners into the mix

When your family moves on and expands. And so, the second week of our holiday in Kalkan was all change (if you haven’t read the first instalment, it’s here). The girls had left Manchester together on the 6am flight and so as soon as they awoke, the eldest and youngest were on pins waiting for them to arrive. It’s the plane we usually get and we’re always a bit zonked on arrival so we left them to settle in and took the middle one out for a sunset cocktail. You’ll notice that he, along with the youngest, has been embracing his Geordie roots with this summer’s ironic ‘Greggs by Primark’ collab… I’ve tried not to say anything!

Of course having the girls arrive was a bit strange for him – after starting a new relationship at the very end of last term, he and the new lady in his life have spent more time apart this summer than they’ve ever had together. It’s really taken me back to my own university summers and the strain of the long separations but at least they have text and FaceTime now. I keep trying to describe the agony of waiting for letters and landline calls – which we’d then most likely have to take on the wired phone in the hall with the likelihood of the whole family listening in. My boys still can’t get their heads around the idea of my dad unplugging the house phone and putting it under the cushion of his armchair, sitting on it for an entire evening when he felt I’d been running the bills too high!

Dress (now in the sale, gifted SS22)

Anyway he remained mostly cheerful and after a relaxing couple of hours we went back to cook big bowls of pasta, a simple supper for a quiet night up on the roof. And here’s the youngest in a Greggs by Primark top – a ‘thoughtful’ late birthday present that had emerged from the eldest girl’s suitcase.

When your family moves on and expands – welcoming partners into the mix

We spent the next couple of days without any plans so that they could do whatever they wanted and it consisted of a lot of high jinks in the pool.

Mal had signed up for the next stage of his PADI scuba diving training. It’s something he loved doing when the boys were little but we worked out that the last course he did was in 2002 – I had a go too and it’s the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done, I hated every second and would never, ever want to try it again. I’m not generally a scared sort of person but I almost drowned when I was four and so I can get quite panicky under water. In fact I keep the photo on the wall to remind me that despite my fear, I still did it (you can see that even though Mal was with me as my dive buddy, I wouldn’t let go of the instructor!). Ugh – even more scary than Instagram Stories…

For years I’ve seen him looking over at diving schools wistfully when we’ve been on holiday but we’ve never really been able to give over the time or the money for him to move on to the next stage of training. This time though I suggested he should go – but he reminded me that his licence was stolen with his wallet years ago so he had no record of the levels he’d done. However, when we enquired there he was on record from 2002 and the very early days of the internet. So off he went happily each morning – returning to study hard in the afternoons for a written exam which wasn’t quite what I’d bargained for. Here he was joining us for lunch though.

So in the meantime as I tried to relax with my Kindle on a sunlounger, the antics went on around me with balls and frisbees and birthday water balloons.

They grow up in some ways but not in others!

And with the PADI course finally finished and the written exam passed with flying colours, we met Mal for lunch to celebrate his return to the fold.

We spent the rest of the day at a lovely new beach club. I would recommend it to fellow Kalkan lovers if it hadn’t turned a little sinister when the bar manager started adding gin that we hadn’t asked for to Mal’s soft drinks and then charging us for his ‘joke’ at the end of the day.

Boden halter top 2001; Me+Em towelling shorts SS22

It was Denizim beach club if you’re wondering.

Boden halter top 2001; Me+Em towelling shorts SS22

The girls had fully settled in by this point and we managed to carve a bit of time with each couple on their own. Although they’ve both been a fixture in the family for over two years now, we’re often so busy when we’re at home that we don’t see much of them unless they stay for a while. The eldest’s girlfriend is just going into her final year at Brighton Uni studying Sports Management. She’s so far away that we don’t see her often – we must go down to Eastbourne soon and meet her mum who’s so kindly given our eldest a home for the last 18 months. Last weekend he and his university friends finally moved into a London flat together. They’ve been trying to find somewhere for ages but it’s been a real saga of gazumping since lockdown ended – there’s been such fierce competition to move back into the city. We were beginning to think they’d never make it but all of their jobs have been putting pressure on them to be more office based and they’ve finally managed it.

The youngest’s girlfriend pops up more regularly on here because they’ve been together since they were at school. She and I have a lot of common ground being born in the same hospital, going to the same school and choosing the same degree… oh and we’re both quite fond of the youngest too!

It’s handy that she’s at Durham university and can join us sometimes when we get together in Newcastle and in a happy coincidence she’s been working with the middle boy as his assistant at NCS this summer so they’ve built up a friendship all of their own. In her spare time she’s a qualified gymnastics instructor…

… so she’s a good match for our youngest who’s always looking for his next physical challenge.

In hindsight I think I perhaps overthought things in terms of giving them all space. The girls fitted in easily and seemed happy just to be part of our family holiday. However I’d planned in certain slots when they wouldn’t have to be with us to give them a bit of time to breathe. Mal and I have a favourite restaurant in Kalkan, Villa Mahal – you’ve seen us go there before and I still think it’s the most romantic spot on earth. It’s expensive though so we booked to go out à deux and I wore my favourite holiday dress.

Mara Hoffman dress 2015

There’s something so special about catching a water taxi. While we were there the other five went out as a group, rolling home at 3.30am to continue the party loudly (and soon finding themselves in trouble with their mum!)

Mara Hoffman dress 2015

A couple of nights later they each had date nights of their own.

The eldest’s girlfriend loves watching YouTube makeovers and we always look forward to seeing what look she’s going to put together next. She’s endlessly creative and not being used to having girls at home, Mal and the other two are often confounded when she appears with hair that seems to have grown over the course of an afternoon.

While they were out, we had a special evening with the middle one and I had to have a photo taken with him here. Some of you will remember his grumpy 16th birthday photo in the same spot…

Boden halterneck summer 2001; Kate Barton trousers summer 2020

… when he really wanted to be celebrating at home with his friends rather than on holiday with his family and we were desperately trying to find a solution that would please him. It’s a terrible photo of me but lots of you will relate to those times with teens when you just can’t get anything right. I’m looking at Mal and saying, “stop laughing and taking photos and help me out here!”

Incidentally I was more than half a stone lighter in this photo from five years ago than I am now. Of course I look older at 55 than I did at 50 but I don’t think I look heavier. Weight training does make a difference and perhaps it’s all the grimacing you do that helps your face and neck to look a bit more toned!

Anyway, moving on. Kalkan was horrendously expensive this year. It always costs much more than the average Turkish town but this year was insane. Inflation in Turkey is even worse than the UK, it hit 80% in August and a new tax on alcohol of 47.4% has also been applied this year. Even so, we found everything halved in cost as soon as we travelled out of Kalkan.

We usually find prices for most things in Kalkan are about two thirds of the north of England so it’s good value. That, along with the prices of villas being reasonable, offsets the cost of the flights and so it balances out as being much better value than a holiday in somewhere like Spain. This year though that had really changed. Now you’re now paying the same for meals and drinks as you would in central London – a large beer was £7 and cocktails were between £12 and £14.

Lunch at a beach club for five with sunbeds and soft drinks through the day would usually come to about £80. This year it had more than doubled (at Kalamar) and was £180 for five – and that was just a simple lunch with burgers. It made a big difference to our holiday, especially with so many adults to pay for so if we ate out we avoided the sea front restaurants and asked them not to order cocktails.

I’m telling you this because lots of people ask if I’d recommend Kalkan. At the moment I wouldn’t – Turkey on the whole is great value but Kalkan just isn’t. Sadly I think people need to go to other parts of Turkey for a while so that Kalkan businesses learn about the impact of overpricing.

Boden halterneck summer 2001; Kate Barton trousers summer 2020

With only one boy to cover we were able to have a bit of a treat though…

… and they even indulged in daiquiris by the sea.

The highlight of our second week was probably our night cruise. We chartered our friend Captain Ramazan to take us out on his boat for the evening, chasing the sun as it started to set.

Aspiga kaftan 2015

There’s something very special about having a boat to yourselves, we were able to spread out and relax as we cruised from bay to bay…

…. stopping off for a dip in each one…

Bikini

… getting closer and closer to the sunset…

… until all the light was gone. Ramazan barbecued the fish that he’d caught that afternoon with a sumptuous array of meats and salads and then we went for one last swim in the dark. The sea was warm and it felt other worldly striking out into the darkness away from the boat and the distant harbour lights.

On other nights we stayed in and cooked on the roof…

… introducing the girls to Perudo.

And on our penultimate day I had the rare treat of a girly morning – something that just never happens when you’re a mum of boys. I wasn’t sure if they’d be up for it but the girls happily came along for a manicure and pedicure with a beautician who turned out to be so rough that it’s taken my nail beds a week to recover. However it was nice to have a morning relaxing and chatting together – I kept telling them that it reminded me of Steel Magnolias but of course that was met with a blank! Even so, it was a real pleasure for me to have their company and share that sort of girly indulgence.

We dressed up to head out for our final evening.

And they all took great joy in appearing in Crocs… including a Greggs pair, another ‘thoughtful’ birthday gift to the youngest but from his own girlfriend this time. They didn’t all wear them for dinner but it was an entertaining few minutes.

I’d saved one of my only new purchases for our last night. This is such a simple but beautiful dress to wear, it’s made from heavy jersey crepe and it’s cut to swing around you as you move. I realise that it probably just looks like any black dress here…

Black halterneck dress

…so here’s another photo – I know it’s a good buy if Mal takes an extra picture. It’s hard to capture the quality but a few people complimented it over the course of the evening. It has a certain simple sassiness – and it’s still available in the sale if you’re quick. For me this will be another ‘forever’ holiday dress.

Black halterneck dress

Our last supper was a happy one. High season was drawing to a close and it was a surprisingly quiet night in Kalkan…

… so later on we brought it to life when the DJ opened with Boney M’s ‘Ra Ra Rasputin’. You’ll have to sing along in your head, these photos are stills from the videos I took – it’s probably for the best that I don’t have time to convert them for this post!

There were varying degrees of success when it came to their attempts at Cossack dancing…

… but they made up for it with their enthusiasm…

… and their cheating!

The girls were a great addition to our holiday and we had even more fun as a seven than we do as a five. It will be lovely when we can make it an eight – maybe soon, who knows.

When your family moves on and expands – welcoming partners into the mix

I’ve had a few readers with younger sons asking me how to do things when your family moves on and expands – welcoming partners into the mix and of course I’m an absolute novice. I’m just trying my best, playing things by ear and learning as I go along. Here’s what I’ve worked out so far and I can only speak as a mother of boys but a lot of this could apply to sons who are introducing male partners into the family too. Hopefully those of you who are further along the line and/or mothers of daughters will have far better advice to add to the comments.

• Think back to when you were their age and remember how daunting it was stepping into the adult world. I had a few different boyfriends over the years whose parents I met and I remember them all vividly. Each time it was terrifying and yet some made the effort to put me at ease while others didn’t. So treat every girl/boy they introduce you to with kindness. It’s a big moment for them and it matters to your son – he really wants the most important people in his life to get on well.
• You never know which girl/boy will be ‘the one’ and end up being part of your family, hopefully for the rest of your life. So make each first time a good one; launch the relationship that you’d be hoping to have in 20 or 30 years’ time. Just in case.
• However, experience has taught me not to get too close too quickly, otherwise you find your heart breaking along with your boy’s if they split up.
• As with any new person you meet, don’t judge them, after all you have no idea what it’s like to be them and you never will. I know there’s a maxim about ‘keeping your mouth shut’ but more importantly, try not to let any negative thoughts enter your head. They won’t do you any good in this situation and I think people can always sense them. Just be curious and ask lots of questions. I’m finding that in some ways girls now are different to the way we were because so many social influences have changed but at heart you’ll find they’re mostly just as vulnerable. So if you can rewind yourself back into your own shoes at their age, it will help you to understand them and you’ll probably find you have much more in common than you thought.
• Be their friend but their mentor too – as older women I think we have a duty to hold out a hand to any woman coming up behind us and help her through. Let her know quietly that you’ll always be on her side if she needs you – and in a completely different way to her mum.
• Be the grown up. They’re just learning how to be young adults and navigate relationships so give them a break. They’re new souls with very little experience under their belt so they may not know how to manage certain situations, help them through and let any misunderstandings go.
• Let your son know that you have a policy of not judging and that you’ll only ever comment if you think something is really, really wrong. And mean it. If you do that, he will always listen to you if you feel you need to intervene but remember that intervention is like a genie’s wish – don’t spend it unless you absolutely have to.
• Lastly – enjoy them, you’ll probably find they bring a blast of fresh air into the family.
• And remember there’s nothing better than seeing somebody else really love and care for the boy you’ve raised. Yes, it means you have to budge over and occupy a different space in his life and he may not have as much time for you – but he doesn’t love you any less. A lot of what men learn about love is based upon their relationship with their mothers. If he’s good at it and loves someone openly and truly without hurting them, then it’s a testament to you and the fact that you’ve loved him well. So take quiet credit for a job well done and enjoy having a special new person to welcome into your inner circle.

And so that’s the end of our holiday in Kalkan and my thoughts on when your family moves on and expands – welcoming partners into the mix. If you’re following my Instagram you’ll know that we have the incredibly good fortune of being in St Lucia for the next few week, spending some time as a couple and preparing for our nest to empty again. There won’t be a post next Friday because we’ll be flying home but after that it’ll be back to normal and we’ll start dipping our toes into new season. I’m also hoping we can all find ways to have more fun this winter… which could be a challenge – but I’m up for it.

I hope this week goes as well as it can in the UK, it must be such a sad time – we arrive back on Friday so at least w’ll be at home in time for the funeral. The Queen’s death changes everything but we have to remember that she had a long and full life. As well as grieving we should all continue to live ours fully too.

Disclosure: ‘When your family moves on and expands – welcoming partners into the mix’ is not a sponsored post

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